The category for today’s Top 5 list, though grammatically questionable, comes from a suggestion by my friend Charlie Simmons, after I requested ideas for Top 5 categories. I suppose I have no one but myself to blame. —JS
Voyeurism, along with bake sales, hula-hoops, and July 4th parades, is one of America’s oldest and proudest traditions. Watching others unaware making sweet, sweet love has its roots in the French and Indian War when British Col. Reginald Thomas Cottonswab, while on reconnaissance, spotted French Gen. Jacque de Lafayette making love to a brass light infantry bugle.
“By His Majesty’s grace and fortune!” the British officer shouted at the very top of his lungs. “Unless my eyes are misted by this god-damned Canadian weather, my very worthy adversary seems to be in coitus with his war-corronet!”
Cottonswab’s rather loud exclamation of surprise is understandable. The British were unaware that it was standard procedure for the French officer corps of that era to couple with a bugle if the actual bugler was absent or incapacitated. Unfortunately, Cottonswab’s shout led to his capture by the French. He was eventually released at the end of the conflict, though not before being thoroughly humiliated – his French captors often demanded that Cottonswab recite the sonnets of Christopher Marlowe while wearing nothing but his three-corned hat.
Despite becoming the founder of the Q-Tip company in 1764 (ironically, early Q-Tips did not use cotton for swabs, as cotton was then too expensive, so steel wool was used in its place), the poor British colonel was never able to shake his moniker, “Peeping Tom.”
After the battles of Lexington and Concord in 1775, American revolutionaries chose to adopt the moniker “Peeping Tom” in the same ironic vain as “Yankee Doodle Dandy” and “Inbred Gypsy Whore.” To this day, the proud tradition of the Peeping Tom can be readily witnessed at America’s finer institutions of higher learning and at fitness clubs.
— JS
The Top 5 tunes to watch others make love to
01. “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” Tom Jones
Your models will appreciate any “get-ready” music, as long as it’s sung by a Welshman.
02. “Ignition,” R. Kelly
Beep! Beep! Nothing says “classy” like R. Kelly!
03. “Saturday Night,” Bay City Rollers
Hey, guys! Take a break from lovin’ with the Bay City Rollers!
04. “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” Elton John
Nothing says “sexy!” like a pair of lions! Rower! (Interesting fact: A male lion will kill the cubs fathered by a rival in order to make the female go into estrus. That way, he can propagate his own DNA at the expense of another!)
05. “After The Lovin’,” Englebert Humperdinck
Would it kill you to cuddle a little bit after?! Sheesh!
