Hey, sorry if I’m interrupting your important phone call, but you could put your phone down and start loading your groceries onto the belt. I mean, it’s not as if the dozen people behind me haven’t enjoyed listening to your conversation. But, I’m tired, and I’d like to go home, and I couldn’t help but notice your infant is screaming, but you’re ignoring her. Also, weren’t you the one who told me that lump was probably “nothing to lose any sleep over?” Because the oncologist I saw to get a second opinion seemed to disagree. Also, did you really think it was necessary to “improve” my favorite science fiction films with a lot of crappy CGI and that fucking Jar Jar Binks? And why did you cancel Firefly? While we’re at it, it’s not bad enough that I fell for your ponzi scheme, but telling me to put the rest of my savings in GM, Merrill Lynch and AGI was the worst advice ever. It hurt, but not as much as when I found out you were cheating on me. With HIM of all people. Oh, and Windows Vista will work just fiiiiine, you said. Also, if you try to tell me that 9/11 was the fault of the gay Iraqi Hollywood liberal Jewish conspiracy one more time, I might lose my temper. And what’s with you and all the water boarding? Please stop starring at my girlfriend’s cleavage. And who brings a toddler to see Saw V anyway?! And no, it was you who ran the red light, totaling my Honda Accord (that was finally paid for) with your huge, disgusting Chevy Suburban. And also, you’re Glenn Beck.

Know what? Your big fat head would look good in a vice grip. But since you sold me that faulty smoke detector and my house burnt down, my vice grip is nothing more than a chunk of blackened, twisted metal. So here’s the next best thing. This play list is for you:

Top 5 songs dedicated to those whose head would look good in a vice grip

1. “Asshole,” Jim’s Big Ego
In contrast to its gentle pop sound, the lyrics cut pretty deeply. Sometimes you can look at someone’s attitude from all angles, try to be understanding, and still come up with the conclusion that they’re just an asshole.

2. “Death On Two Legs (Dedicated To …),” Queen
Though the song never mentions by name or association who Freddie Mercury was referring to, it’s an open secret that “Death On Two Legs” is dedicated to Queen’s former manager. Mercury would dedicate this song to a “a real mother—- of a gentleman” during live performances.

3. “Everything About You,” Ugly Kid Joe
As pop metal was on its way out of the mainstream, Ugly Kid Joe scored this hit, ticking off how they “hate everything about you,” in the most upbeat way possible. What other song could have had hordes of kids in acid washed jeans shout in unison, “I think sex is overrated too!”

4. “Song For The Dumped,” Ben Folds Five
In his excellent book, Mike Nelson’s Move Megacheese, Nelson takes Nora Ephorn to task over the way the character of Walter behaves after being dumped by Meg Ryan for Tom Hanks in Sleepless In Seattle: “Walter, instead of doing the manly thing by crying and punching a car, behaves like a gentleman and lets her go gracefully. What the hell is that all about? … Any real man would send her tapes of Cure songs they both liked, or call her once a month at closing time and ask her drunkenly, ‘Are you happy? I zjust w’nna make zsure you’re happy.’ I suppose Ephron was showing men how women would like them to behave when they get dumped.” Sorry, Ephron. We behave more like Folds in “Song For The Dumped.” Deal with it.

5. “One More Minute,” “Weird Al” Yankovic
The man says it best: “I’d rather have 100,000 paper cuts on my face, than spend one more minute with you.”

Top 5 songs dedicated to those whose head would look good in a vice grip

Runners up: “You Oughtta Know,” Alanis Morissette; “Aluminum,” Barenaked Ladies; “Hey Fuck You,” Beastie Boys; “If I’d Shot Her When I Met Her (I’d Be Outta Jail by Now),” Diesel Doug and the Long Haul Truckers; “Mutha’uckas,” Flight of the Conchords; “Unforgiven,” Metallica; ”Terrible Lie,” Nine Inch Nails.

Addendum: I wrestled with giving the Number 5 spot to “Kim” by Eminem. The reason I didn’t is that, while this playlist deals with being royally pissed at someone, there’s a vein of humor that runs through each of these songs. Whereas the subject matter in “Kim” is deadly serious. As a piece of music, however violent, “Kim” is worth discussing. Where “‘97 Bonnie And Clyde” was unnerving in that Eminem is co calmly narrating dumping his ex’s body to his little daughter, “Kim” takes the opposite route. Resembling a one-act play, its intensity is truly frightening, and not for the faint of heart. Nevertheless, it taps into the darkest place of anyone’s heart who has truly been spurned, and can be viewed as a cautionary tale of what happens when anger gets the best of you.

Kim