Not long ago, Apple introduced a new version of its iTunes store. I’m sorry to say that I hate it. It’s messy, overly-busy, and places more emphasis on downloading Twilight than it does on music. One of the things iTunes had going for it was simplicity, but now I’m wondering if navigating bit torrent isn’t less of a hassle.

The iPod/iTunes impact on the music industry is well documented, as is how well Apple promoted its music venture. So, before I eschew the iTunes store in favor of illegal file sharing, let me meditate on what made me dig iTunes and Apple so much.

Top 5 songs used in iTunes commercials

1. “Bruises,” Chairlift

In promoting an iPod Nano available in an array of colors, Apple introduced Chairlift, a band that sounds as if it only recently emerged from the primordial New Wave ooze of the ’80s, although they formed only a few years ago.

2. “1234,” Feist
Apple helped to launch Feist’s career using her fantastic, one-take video for “1234.”

3. “Vertigo,” U2
An interesting variation on the iconic dancing sillohuette iPod commercial, this ad doubles as a promotional for U2’s 2004 album “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.” There was even a special edition red and black iPod available for a couple of years. U2 and Apple have since parted ways, with U2 choosing the Blackberry RIM as its digital music partner of choice, reportedly because the band got more creative input with RIM.

Still, that was one hell of a video … advertisement … whatever.

4. “Around The Bend,” The Asteroids Galaxy Tour
With a simplistic but rocking horn groove, raw percussion and bratty vocals, “Around The Bend,” by Danish pop group The Asteroids Galaxy Tour is an ultimate brain-off/party-on song.

5. “Cubicle,” Rinocerose
Is there such a genre as Corporate Electronica, and is that a bad thing? (Answers: “No” and “Yes.”) Still, Rinocerose’s “Cubicle” makes a good companion to a visually impressive ad.

Runners Up: “Someday Baby,” Bob Dylan; “Flathead,” The Fratellis; “Viva La Vida,” Coldplay.

It wasn’t like that night three years ago in Tijuana that involved swallowing the tequila worm and the resulting three hours of hallucinatory debauchery, culminating in you purchasing a cock-fighting franchise.

No, this is different. Despite it being a beautiful Fall day, and though there’s no male prostitute named Pedro passed out in the shower (this time, thank God), things seem more ominous.

Then you remember: Yesterday was election day.

Oh, what terrible things befell the American public by its own hand? Shaking, you turn on the TV just in time to see the cheery, slightly bulbous form of Willard Scott give way to the local news, where a reporter informs you that Proposition 23, which amends the state constitution to allow the eating of kittens wrapped in a burned American flag, while at the same time banning marriage, hugs, high fives and eye contact between members of the same gender, passed 87% to 2%. Noooooo!

It’s going to be a long day.

Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat

1. “American Tune,” Paul Simon
“American Tune” was written in the wake of the reelection of Richard Nixon in 1972, though this could have easily been written in the wake of the reelection of George W. Bush in 2004. That’s politics for ya.

2. “I’m So Bored With The U.S.A.,” The Clash
You know what? Constitutional democracy was so 18th Century.

3. “Oil Man’s War,” Kathleen Edwards
I’m moving to Canada! No, I really mean it this time! Canadian singer-songwriter Kathleen Edwards said she’d give me a lift.

4. “Days Like This,” Van Morrison
OK, relax, mellow out, man. Your mama told you there’d be days like this, and the soulful feeling of this song will make it a little easier to swallow.

5. “Walk On,” U2
Don’t give up. Keep on trying, though it’s hard, though it might be the last thing you feel like doing. Walk on …

Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat

Read Slate Magazine's "The Awfulness of Billy Joel Explained"

My ex used to accuse me of disliking Harry Potter just because it was popular. I find this argument flawed on two levels:

1: I like a lot of things that are popular. Coke is arguably the nation’s best-selling beverage, and I drink a lot of it. On a recent trip to McDonald’s (the nation’s number-one artery-clogger), I purchased a Coke the size of my head.

2: Harry Potter is dumb. Nevertheless, that broom-riding feeb attained a popularity that was unrivaled until the advent of the infinitely worse Twilight “saga.”

My point is that there are certain aspects to popular culture that are near-universally loved, yet I’m bewildered by why they’re so revered.

I just don’t get it.

Top 5 artists everyone likes but me

1. Billy Joel
Yes, he is a piano man, but I wouldn’t call him the piano man. Why don’t I like him? Is it his relentless teasing of stutterers (“Movin’ Out”)? Is it that he composed the whitest gospel song of all time (“River of Dreams”)? Is it that he exemplifies everything self-serving and egomaniacal about the Baby Boomers (“We Didn’t Start The Fire”)?

Yes.

2. The Police/Sting
Why is it Michael McDonald gets criticized (rightly) for having a voice akin to a German Shepherd in heat, yet we give Sting a pass?

3. Steely Dan
Speaking of McDonald, I think he forever tainted my view of Steely Dan, which is often revered as one of the most successful groups to fuse jazz and pop. I call it “pazz.”

4. Chicago
I can deal with horns – often they’re quite enjoyable. I also enjoy Saturdays. Parks are nice too. But I don’t like the combination of all three, even less when they occur on Independence Day. Plus, Peter Cetera.

5. Journey
The continued popularity of Journey makes me wonder if humanity is a species worth saving.

To make matters worse, year after year, DJs play the same, tired, crappy Halloween music, likely because a DJ’s life is filled with hatred and bile, and Halloween’s a good excuse to take his frustrations out on his listeners.

Thanks a lot, Halloween. Jerk.

Top 5 tired Halloween songs

1. “Monster Mash,” Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers
Every year. Every goddamn year.

2. “Thriller,” Michael Jackson
The song is cool and the video is brilliant. But still, man, can we give it a rest?

3. “Ghostbusters,” Ray Parker Jr.
Who am I going to call? Really, that’s none of your business.

4. “Addams Family (Main Title),” Victor Mizzy
“They’re all together ooky”?! What does that even mean?

5. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon
This song is one of the most repetitive in terms of both lyrics and that stupid piano hook. Zevon, I’m sure you were a nice guy and all, but I kinda want to hit you in the face for this.

What song makes you want to spit in the face of a trick-or-treater?

Crap-o-ween

© theFiver

With the mean temperature hovering between 50º and 60º F (apologies to our Canadian readers – I don’t know how that translates to Celsius – let’s just say between -12º and 4,352º), it’s great weather to get outside and walk. I actually prefer walking to any other exercise – it’s almost like jogging, except you look happier doing it. But every once in a while, a song will come on the Ye Olde iPodde Shuffle that turns a sunny stroll into a swagger of gangsta-like proportions.

1. “Mama Said Knock You Out,” LL Cool J
As soon as I hear “Don’t call it a comeback!” I have to restrain myself from air-boxing.

2. “No Sleep Till Brooklyn,” Beastie Boys
I could actually walk to Brooklyn when this comes on.

3. “Lose Yourself,” Eminem
The least-offesnsive tune by Eminem, yet, I’ll always do that weird head-bob thing when I hear it.

4. “Mind On The Road,” Rev. Run
Rev. Run’s solo work recalls his early days with Run DMC that saw raw hip-hop infused with metal licks, thanks to producer of Rick Rubin. And dang, Run. Thanks to you, my mind is very much on the road.

5. “Stomp,” George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic
If this song doesn’t make you want to start dancing down the road, then you’re no friend of mine.

What turns your walk into a supergroovalisticexercisexplosion?

Walk This Way

Not too long ago, we paid tribute to some of the lesser-known misheard lyrics

1. “Orinoco Flow,” Enya
New Age founding mother Enya has built her career on trippy/haunting Celtic music in which she uses a lot of overdubbing and reverb. And while some of her other works are more muddled (“Caribbean Blue,” for example), nothing is more fun to try to sing along to than her seminal “Orinoco Flow.”

I can decipher some words. I think there’s a Bob Dickens in there somewhere, whoever he is. During the bridge, she appears to pay tribute to Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Brent Spiner when she repeats, “Data! Data!” Then there’s the cryptic lyric, “Touch Bellini in Tahiti on the Island of Vermouth.” Other times, I think she’s just doing some kind of Irish scatting.

2. “Yellow Ledbetter,” Pearl Jam
I find this song incredibly powerful and sad. This, despite the fact that I can’t understand one single word of what Eddie Vedder’s saying. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

3. “Brand New Day,” Sting
Whether he’s with The Police or going solo, there’s one thing you can count on: Sting always sings as if part of him got caught in his fly.

4. “Paranoid,” Black Sabbath
Before Ozzy Osbourne made a second career out of slurring heartfelt fatherly advice, he was equally incomprehensible as the prince of darkness.

5. “Fairytale of New York,” Kirsty MacColl & The Pogues
Again with the Irish! I know there are any number of songs by The Pogues that are made incomprehensible thanks to Shane MacGown’s growling, slurring vocals. But the ballad-ish nature of “Fairytale of New York” only seems to underscore the point when juxtaposed with Kirsty MacColl.

Huh?

What music do you find incomprehensible?

There are so many wonderful things about a hockey game. The sport itself is fast-paced and exciting, and the crowd tends to get quite involved and boisterous. Oftentimes the things that fans shout out during the game are entertainment in and of themselves. One of my favorites of all time actually belongs to our esteemed Fiver creator, who loudly heckled the Worcester Sharks thusly: “The City of Worcester has no viable economic plan!”

One aspect that might not necessarily be thought of as integral to a hockey game is the music that is used. Music can get us pumped up, encourage us, and make us laugh, all of which is part of the game. During my time in Tampa, I became a devoted Lightning fan (yes, there is hockey in Florida), and had the opportunity to observe through regular attendance how much fun the music chosen can be.

And so, to celebrate the beginning of hockey season, and the extra dimension that music can bring to the game, I present to you:

Top 5 Clever Choices of Song During A Hockey Game

1. “Yakety Sax,” Boots Randolph
There is nothing quite like hearing the theme to “The Benny Hill Show” as the opposing team skates onto the ice for warm-up. Priceless.

2. “Walking On Broken Glass,” Annie Lennox
What happens when two 230-pound men hit the boards simultaneously with momentum from skating across the ice? The glass above the boards shatters and falls out, that’s what. This is a song I would never expect to hear at a sporting event, but it worked quite well in this situation.

3. “Song from M*A*S*H (Suicide Is Painless),” Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman
Hockey can be kind of like war, right? And those boys certainly need to be stitched up sometimes. So why not use this classic theme during the announcement of scratches and injuries?

4. “The Waiting,” Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
When a goal goes under review in an NHL game, the refs skate over to the sidelines and call the War Room in Toronto. So while the folks up there take another look at the play and hand down the verdict, the fans sit and … well, wait. It is, indeed, the hardest part. Except if you’re a Lightning fan, in which case the hardest part is hearing that Toronto has screwed you over again.

5. “Hook,” Blues Traveler
Oops! Someone got called for a hooking penalty. Now he’s got to go in the box, all by himself, for two minutes, and feel shame.

Hockey All The Time!

A cappella. A force for evil? Probably. But there’s just something about it that brings out our inner geek, and it seems to be undergoing a renaissance. Ben Folds recently released versions of his music performed by university a cappella groups, and Fox’s “Glee” appears to be making waves.

What’s the reason for this (dare we call it) fad? Who knows. What made swing music so popular briefly in the late ’90s? Much like what goes on inside the head of Glenn Beck, it’s a mystery.

Top 5 songs sung a cappella:

1. “Star Wars (John Williams Is The Man),” John Williams; performed by Corey Vidal
There’s a lot of these multitrack videos circulating on YouTube, but Vidal seems to have struck gold by singing dialogue from the original Star Wars films to the melodies of the better-known John Williams scores.

2. “Spider Pig,” Hans Zimmer; performed by the Dordt College Concert Choir
How else could you possibly improve one of the best parts of “The Simpsons Movie”?

3. “Bitches Ain’t Shit,” Dr. Dre; performed by UC Berkeley’s DeCadence
“Bitches Ain’t Shit” began life as a salvo in the ongoing feud between West Coast rappers Dr. Dre and Easy E. In 2005 Ben Folds released a more melodic version, but it’s only when performed by UC Berkeley’s DeCadence that “Bitches Ain’t Shit” achieves its fullest flower. Warning: The following contains some very bad words.

4. “Stacy’s Mom,” Fountains of Wayne; performed by the Colby College Blue Lights
There is an unsettling number of YouTube videos of college a cappella groups performing this Fountains of Wayne tune, likely as part of some conspiracy that will lead to the destruction of western civilization. Enjoy!

5. Themes to “Speedracer,” “Underdog,” performed by The Blanks
One of the more charming recurring gags in the sitcom “Scrubs” was The Blanks, Ted’s a cappella group which started out singing cartoon themes before moving on to other genres.

What songs do you dig, instrument-less?

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Autumn. Here, in the Northeast, it is a time where the air seems crisper and cleaner, the trees practically explode with fall colors, and it’s our last chance to enjoy the outdoors before Old Man Winter lays his icy, bastard hands on us. I hate that guy.

Autumn is also the time of year where we celebrate the harvest with local fall fairs, steeped in history. For example, that delicious root beer you get at the fair, right from the barrel? That harkens back to the days of puritans, who would drown heretics and witches in their version of the tasty beverage.

And what about all those apples? Well, early colonists would often barter with the natives using apples as currency or, if the local tribe refused to trade, that Red Delicious would make a handy projectile.

What fair is complete without the oxen pulls, wherein beasts of burden drag weights under their master’s whip? You can trace that sport back to the early American farmer’s obsession with sadomasochism, as the the whip was an integral part of any sexual humiliation and the cry of “oxen-free!” often resonated throughout the rafters of the barn, as that was the preferred safe word of the time.

This is, of course, all bull. I hope. As of this writing, I’m getting ready to attend the Fryeburg Fair, one of the most popular fairs in New England. And to get me in the mood, I’ve compiled the following Top 5 songs for the fair:

1. “Going to the Country,” Steve Miller

Going to the Country.wma – Steve Miller Band

2. “Soulful Shade of Blue,” Neko Case

Soulful Shade Of Blue – Neko Case

3. “Cluck Old Hen,” Alison Krauss & Union Station

Cluck Old Hen – Alison Krauss

4. “Dance Tonight,” Paul McCartney

Dance Tonight – Paul McCartney

5. “Honeyed Out,” Kris Delmhorst

Honeyed Out – Kris Delmhorst

Runners Up: “Shine” (Cover), Dolly Parton; “Girl from the North Country,” Bob Dylan & Johnny Cash; “100 Miles to Charleston,” Martha’s Trouble.

Have you been to a local fair lately, no matter how sick or demented your reason? Share …

War, recession, unemployment, Glenn Beck … with such darkness surrounding this day and age, how will we ever see the sun? Sometimes all it takes is a song.

1. “Fisherman’s Blues,” The Waterboys
There’s nothing bluesy about “Fisherman’s Blues,” and despite the longing in the lyrics, it’s a song that makes you want to smile.

2. “Just For Me,” Blues Traveler
Blues Traveler knows a thing or two about struggles, but they also know how to put it in perspective and how to celebrate with music.

3. “Headlong,” Queen
“There used to be a man with a stick in his hand/there used to be a woman with a hotdog stand!” So goes the lyrics to 1991’s “Headlong,” an oft-overlooked rockin’ tune by Queen. What does it mean? Who cares, just boogie down, man!

4. “There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You,” Ben Folds
Although it sounds like a put-down, “There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You” is the furthest thing from it. This song is about the joy that can be found simply by letting go.

5. “Top of the World,” Shonen Knife
If you’re going to sing a super-happy fun song by The Carpenters, you ought to be part of an all-girl punk band from Osaka, blaring it away with a heavy Japanese inflection. Only then does “Top of the World” achieve its fullest flower.

Discuss: What do you play to make you feel better?

Super Happy Number 1!