Today’s post is in conjunction with our sister blog, Bed Time Movies. See the way Metallica brings families together?

Between the time bassist Jason Newsted left the metal giant Metallica in 2001 and the release of the album St. Anger in 2003, a documentary was made, basically chronicling a band who seemed to have lost its way. Much of the film involved conflict between front man James Hetfield and drummer Lars Ulrich, with guitarist Kirk Hammett timidly caught in the middle, like a child watching his parents divorce.

“Metallica: Some Kind of Monster” received a better critical reception than St. Anger, an album undermined by mixing that made a murky and incoherrent soup out of intense rhythms (Metallica would later get back to basics on 2008’s Death Magnetic). Meanwhile, the doc secured a 74 on Metacritic, with the New York Times calling it “a psychodrama of novelistic intricacy and epic scope.” The Washington Post also heaped on the praise: “Absorbing, funny, exhilaratingly entertaining ride through two years in the life of the most successful heavy metal band in history.”

“Some Kind of Monster” brings Metallica’s rock star gods down to a more human level. It’s ridiculous to expect any band except for the most hard-core satanic Scandinavian bands to be metal all the time, but it’s still a little disappointing to see Metallica as so … mortal.

Bed Time Movies and theFiver presents: The most metal and non-metal moments in “Metallica: Some Kind of Monster”

In 2001, Metallica seeks therapy
You don’t talk about your feelings if you’re metal. You only about death.

Lars talks about his paintings
Lars doesn’t paint guts exploding out of a decayed carcass. They’re more abstract. When he auctions off his work, he doesn’t use the proceeds to buy machine guns.

Kirk replaces drinking and drugs with surfing
His surfboard does not contain spikes, nor are the edges razor sharp.

Metallica comes up with a mission statement of what they want to accomplish in therapy
Mission statements are not metal.

Kirk appears wimpy throughout the film
He enjoys horseback riding on his beautiful and pristine ranch. It’s not a death-ranch, and I don’t think he eats the horses.

Lars says he wants James Hetfield to be “the best person he can be”

Former member Dave Mustaine’s teary confessions of inadequacy in a therapy session with Lars
You’re Dave Freakin’ Mustaine! You front a band called Megadeth!

Hetfield comes back from rehab wearing geek glasses
Also complains the documentary makes him feel like he’s “in the spotlight all the time.”

Hetfield attends his daughter’s ballet recital
The ballet isn’t about death, nor is it performed to symphonic metal.

Lars goes running for exercise and enjoyment

No fans are killed during Fan Appreciation Day

Hetfield talks about “abandonment issues”
He complains he cannot “get close” to people.

Kirk gets all zen.
He tries to be “egoless.” You’re the lead guitarist in Metallica, dude. You ought to be wearing giant bat wings and breathing fire. Also, showing off your wang.

Lars complains about getting ostracized by fans after suing Napster

Hetfield performs voice and scale exercises
Ought to have been performing growling and blood-drinking exercises.

The band talks about using “positive energy” to make the album
The album is called “St. Anger.”

The band gets all weepy now that the album is done
You don’t get weepy. You drink awful American beer and do horrible things for which you will need to a powerful defense attorney.

……

Newsted quits the band
Quitting the band is so metal!

Hetfield drives a hotrod and gets pulled over
He also rides a big freakin’ chopper.

Hetfield’s vacation photos
He killed a bear while in Siberia. Killing and bears are both metal. Killing a bear is the most metal thing you can do on vacation.

Lars calls Hetfield “a complete dick!”
Metal!

Hetfield storms out of recording studio, slamming door
Also metal!

Lars’ dad
Totally metal! He’s got a long beard, a funny accent, and he hates the new album!

Newsted’s band Echobrain
When his former band mates come to see Echobrain at a club, Newsted completely blows them off, after which, Lars laments, “I’m in f—ng hell.”

The lyrics “My lifestyle determines my deathstyle.”
That’s Metalocalypse-metal.

During a band meeting, Lars complains about “all the f—ing rules!”
Also throws an f-bomb right in Hetfield’s face. Very metal.

Lars makes the best metal face while recording drum tracks

Band hires ugliest bassist they can find to replace Newsted

Image from music blog Stereo Warning

Shot video for new single in a maximum security prison
That’s pretty freaking metal.