“Spooning Uri”
After the lovin’ – style easy listening ballad for romantic evenings with Uri Geller. (Note: Do not confuse with Sarah Michelle Geller.)
Song title idea of the day
Written by John on November 6th, 2009
Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat
Written by John on November 5th, 2009
Alarm goes off. You look around. Birds are singing, the sun is shining through the remainder of the autumn leaves. Looks like it’s going to be a great morning. And then you remember – something was going on the night before. What was it?
It wasn’t like that night three years ago in Tijuana that involved swallowing the tequila worm and the resulting three hours of hallucinatory debauchery, culminating in you purchasing a cock-fighting franchise.
No, this is different. Despite it being a beautiful Fall day, and though there’s no male prostitute named Pedro passed out in the shower (this time, thank God), things seem more ominous.
Then you remember: Yesterday was election day.
Oh, what terrible things befell the American public by its own hand? Shaking, you turn on the TV just in time to see the cheery, slightly bulbous form of Willard Scott give way to the local news, where a reporter informs you that Proposition 23, which amends the state constitution to allow the eating of kittens wrapped in a burned American flag, while at the same time banning marriage, hugs, high fives and eye contact between members of the same gender, passed 87% to 2%. Noooooo!
It’s going to be a long day.
Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat
1. “American Tune,” Paul Simon
“American Tune” was written in the wake of the reelection of Richard Nixon in 1972, though this could have easily been written in the wake of the reelection of George W. Bush in 2004. That’s politics for ya.
2. “I’m So Bored With The U.S.A.,” The Clash
You know what? Constitutional democracy was so 18th Century.
3. “Oil Man’s War,” Kathleen Edwards
I’m moving to Canada! No, I really mean it this time! Canadian singer-songwriter Kathleen Edwards said she’d give me a lift.
4. “Days Like This,” Van Morrison
OK, relax, mellow out, man. Your mama told you there’d be days like this, and the soulful feeling of this song will make it a little easier to swallow.
5. “Walk On,” U2
Don’t give up. Keep on trying, though it’s hard, though it might be the last thing you feel like doing. Walk on …
Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat
Song title idea of the day
Written by John on November 4th, 2009“Hold Me Latter”
Tribute to Conjoined Thompson Twins
Top 5 artists everyone likes but me
Written by John on November 3rd, 2009
Read Slate Magazine's "The Awfulness of Billy Joel Explained"
My ex used to accuse me of disliking Harry Potter just because it was popular. I find this argument flawed on two levels:
1: I like a lot of things that are popular. Coke is arguably the nation’s best-selling beverage, and I drink a lot of it. On a recent trip to McDonald’s (the nation’s number-one artery-clogger), I purchased a Coke the size of my head.
2: Harry Potter is dumb. Nevertheless, that broom-riding feeb attained a popularity that was unrivaled until the advent of the infinitely worse Twilight “saga.”
My point is that there are certain aspects to popular culture that are near-universally loved, yet I’m bewildered by why they’re so revered.
I just don’t get it.
Top 5 artists everyone likes but me
1. Billy Joel
Yes, he is a piano man, but I wouldn’t call him the piano man. Why don’t I like him? Is it his relentless teasing of stutterers (“Movin’ Out”)? Is it that he composed the whitest gospel song of all time (“River of Dreams”)? Is it that he exemplifies everything self-serving and egomaniacal about the Baby Boomers (“We Didn’t Start The Fire”)?
Yes.
2. The Police/Sting
Why is it Michael McDonald gets criticized (rightly) for having a voice akin to a German Shepherd in heat, yet we give Sting a pass?
3. Steely Dan
Speaking of McDonald, I think he forever tainted my view of Steely Dan, which is often revered as one of the most successful groups to fuse jazz and pop. I call it “pazz.”
4. Chicago
I can deal with horns – often they’re quite enjoyable. I also enjoy Saturdays. Parks are nice too. But I don’t like the combination of all three, even less when they occur on Independence Day. Plus, Peter Cetera.
5. Journey
The continued popularity of Journey makes me wonder if humanity is a species worth saving.
Song title idea of the day
Written by John on November 2nd, 2009“Time For Go To Bed (Sleep of the Just, Dreams of the Beloved)”
This would be the closer for my envisioned Broadway musical, “Tor!”, that chronicles the life of Tor Johnson, a Swedish professional wrestler who starred in several Ed Wood films.
Song title idea of the day
Written by John on November 2nd, 2009“Nature Sucks”
Op-Ed response to the John Denver catalogue
For Leah, on her birthday – PerformanceKlok special edition
Written by John on October 31st, 2009
The Minoxidil seems to have kicked in.
This is my sponsor?!
Written by John on October 30th, 2009I recently found ads on this blog for Stand For Marriage Maine, a group attempting to overturn the State of Maine’s law that allows gay marriage, on this site. I was flummoxed, considering I’ve already voiced my support for allowing gay marriage, and because I have a link to ProtectMaineEquality.org. Personally, I find Stand For Marriage’s tactics distracting at best, and fear-mongering at worst, and I don’t want their content on this blog.
So why did the Stand For Marriage ad appear in the first place?
Well, ads on theFiver are run through a Google application, which chooses which ads to run and where they are placed on this site. For whatever reason, Google decided theFiver’s audience wanted a link advocating banning gay marriage in Maine.
I am partially to blame because my Google account did not have the proper ad filters to prevent this from happening. I am now in the process of filtering out all political advertising until after the election. Meanwhile, I am temporarily suspending all Google Ads until I’m sure this snafu isn’t repeated.
I apologize for any confusion this has caused, and if any members of the GLBT and their allies are reading this, I am especially sorry. As for you Mainers, I urge a No vote on Question 1.
Song title idea of the day
Written by John on October 30th, 2009“Curtain Rodded”
A song that finally combines the genre of death metal with interior decorating.
Song title idea of the day
Written by John on October 30th, 2009“There’s A Shark In My Soup”
Theme song for new show on Animal Planet/Food Network
