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Top 5 tired Halloween songs

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

hweenWhen Pope Boniface IV consecrated the Pantheon at Rome, laying the foundation for All Saints Day, he probably never thought it’s eve would be an excuse for children to demand candy from total strangers, just because they (the kids, not the strangers) dressed up like Optimus Prime. Nor could Boniface predicted that celebrating the festival of All Saints would, hundreds of years later, lead to some guy getting his house TP’ed. Yet, here we are.

To make matters worse, year after year, DJs play the same, tired, crappy Halloween music, likely because a DJ’s life is filled with hatred and bile, and Halloween’s a good excuse to take his frustrations out on his listeners.

Thanks a lot, Halloween. Jerk.

Top 5 tired Halloween songs

1. “Monster Mash,” Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers
Every year. Every goddamn year.

2. “Thriller,” Michael Jackson
The song is cool and the video is brilliant. But still, man, can we give it a rest?

3. “Ghostbusters,” Ray Parker Jr.
Who am I going to call? Really, that’s none of your business.

4. “Addams Family (Main Title),” Victor Mizzy
“They’re all together ooky”?! What does that even mean?

5. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon
This song is one of the most repetitive in terms of both lyrics and that stupid piano hook. Zevon, I’m sure you were a nice guy and all, but I kinda want to hit you in the face for this.

What song makes you want to spit in the face of a trick-or-treater?


Crap-o-ween

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Posted in Top 5 | 4 Responses »
Tags: Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers, Halloween, Michael Jackson, Ray Parker Jr., Victor Mizzy, Warren Zevon

This is … a Paul Anka song?

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

“This Is It,” the song that is heralding the Michael Jackson film of the same name, was written in 1983 by crooner Paul Anka, the BBC reports. The current version of the song is available for streaming on the Jackson website, and features Jackson’s brothers on backing vocals.

…
…

adHamilton

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Tags: Michael Jackson, Paul Anka

Top 5 failed experiments merging pop and hip-hop

Friday, September 25th, 2009

hateweekThe Beastie Boys and Run-DMC were always on a Quixotic task of exposing the so-called “suckah emcee.” Perhaps their charge was inspired by some of these Top 5 failed experiments merging pop and hip-hop:

1. “Come With Me,” Puff Daddy
To actually give Senior Diddy credit for this song is ludicrous, despite Jimmy Page’s complacence. “Come With Me” simply reworks the instrumental tracks of Led Zepplin’s “Kashmir” as Puffy coughs “uh, uh-huh, yeah” repeatedly between sets of nonsensical lyrics. It was fittingly released on the horrible 1998 American remake of Godzilla, another pop culture giant that destroys all in its path.

Come With Me (feat. Jimmy Page) (live) – Puff Daddy

2. “Do the Bartman,” Bart Simpson
Around the time of The Simpsons’ second season, a huge effort was made to capitalize on the show’s popularity with all manner of merchandise – the one and only Bart leading the charge. Animated or not, and Michael Jackson notwithstanding, you don’t give a yellow suburban fourth grader a mic. Thankfully, both the show and Bart himself not only survived this onslaught of fame but flourished.

Do The Bartman – The Simpsons

3. “Roll The Bones,” Rush
Canadians are great at a lot of things. Their hockey players are legendary, their maple syrup and bacon products are far above par, and their Terrence & Philip cartoons are a delight. But our neighbors to the north ought to be steered a way from attempting to rap. Their own Rush injected a number of rhymes in 1990’s title track to Roll the Bones, with such memorable lines as “Let’s kick some gluteus max” and “The night has a thousand saxophones.”

Rush |MTV Music

(Say what you want, the world would be a better place if all our music videos included rapping skeletons. Yes, I know all the words to this song by heart. No, I will not apologize.)

4. “Radio Song,” R.E.M. feat. KRS-One
It’s depressing to think that the worst part of “Radio Song” is its defining element – the bellows and shouts of hip-hop legend KRS-One. A song with excellent potential that fails in its task to be everything to everyone. Indeed, the DJ sucks.

R.E.M. |MTV Music

5. “Rapture,” Blondie
Kudos for Blondie for experimenting in what was largely unknown territory in 1981. Now, about this “eating cars” thing? In retrospect, Debbie Harry sounds pretty silly as she attempts to rap, but the chart-topping success of “Rapture” brought an untried art form a step closer to the masses.

Blondie |MTV Music

ad1 kate

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Posted in Hate Week, Top 5 | 1 Response »
Tags: Bart Simpson, Blondie, Debbie Harry, Jimmy Page, KRS-One, Led Zeppelin, Michael Jackson, P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, R.E.M., Rush

AP reports Jackson death ruled a homicide

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

LOS ANGELES — The Associated Press reported Monday that the LA county coroner ruled that Michael Jackson’s death is a homicide, and cited a combination of drugs as the cause.

The AP reports: “Homicide, or ‘death at the hands of another,’ is one of several possible findings in a coroner’s death investigation. The designation does not necessarily mean a crime was committed though it is a useful starting point for prosecutors, said Dr. Michael Baden, the former chief medical examiner in New York City and a forensics expert involved in many high-profile murder cases.”

The AP’s source spoke on the condition of anonymity, who reportedly said that the anesthetic propofol combined with at least two sedatives caused Jackson’s death on June 25.

Jackson’s personal physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, is the target of a manslaughter investigation, however that does not neccesarily make him a suspect. Murray reportedly administered propofol to Jackson the night before his death.

Read the full story here.

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Tags: Michael Jackson

Top 5 mortal sins committed by artists who should know better

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

crapsongsLet’s face it. Everyone is bound to disappoint you at some point. No one is perfect. For example, I have forgotten my mother’s birthday every year for about 20 years in a row. I’m at the point where, whenever I talk to her, I wish her a happy birthday just in case.

But some musical sins are so egregious that they’re unforgivable. I’m not talking about the latest crap from Black Eyed Peas – you’ve come to expect that, for every “Where Is The Love,” they’re going to release a musical black hole like “My Humps.” And I’m not talking about some lackluster effort like “Congratulations I’m Sorry,” the Gin Blossoms sophomore effort which seemed to prove that “New Miserable Experience” was a one-off.

I’m talking about artists with staying power who, for reasons unknown, vomit forth a single so bad it causes one to wonder whether Satan himself was behind the mixing board. So it is with great trepidation that theFiver presents:

Top 5 mortal sins committed by artists who should know better

1. “Silly Love Songs,” Paul McCartney and Wings
Paul, what the hell were you thinking? I know it was the ‘70s, man, but Christ-in-a-sidecar this song’s chorus sucks out loud. I’d expect this sort of thing from the Bee Gees, Sir Paul, but not from you.

2. “Bennie And The Jets,” Elton John
Sir Elton, you and Mr. Taupin would be flogged if this single were released in the middle ages. You give a bad name to stutterers and to those who sing falsetto.

3. “We Are The World,” U.S.A. for Africa
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, my friends. Endlessly repetitive and self-indulgent, some critics compared the title track to “We Are The World” to a Pepsi commercial. There’s no arguing with the song’s success insofar as sales were concerned, and it’s amazing that so many famous people could get crammed into the same studio (despite Waylon Jennings allegedly leaving because he wouldn’t sing in Swahili). Although millions of dollars were raised, caring for Africa seems to be a bit of a one-hit wonder. Despite subsequence attempts by Bono, Bob Geldoff and One.org, the industry has largely forgotten about Sudan, Somalia, Nigeria, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Uganda, Tunisia … need I go on?

4. “American Life,” Madonna
Madonna had not been socially relevant for years when 2003’s “American Life,” the album and single of the same name, were released. Yet, she still managed to boggle the mind by attempting to rap, violating several musical rules: #1: If you’re Madonna, you don’t rap. #2: If you do rap, you don’t rap about palates. You just … you just don’t.

5. “Miss You,” The Rolling Stones
A lot of rock bands tried to capitalize on the disco/funk sound of the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, often with disastrous results. Kiss tried it with the vomit-inducing “I Was Made For Loving You.” Queen still sounded British and white on their album “Hot Space,” half of which is devoted to funk. But The Rolling Stones’ “Miss You” takes the taco on this one, narrowly beating out “Hot Stuff,” another Stones number. There’s a reason disco died. A damn good one.

Top 5 mortal sins committed by artists who should know better

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Posted in Top 5 | 3 Responses »
Tags: Black Eyed Peas, Elton John, Gin Blossoms, Lionel Richie, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, Quincy Jones, The Rolling Stones, U.S.A. for Africa, Wings

Depressing Newsbits of the World

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Adam Yauch, aka MCA, of the Beastie Boys dropped some depressing news – he’s got cancer. A tumor was discovered in his throat. The good news – Yauch said that it’s treatable, hasn’t spread, and will not affect his voice. Tour dates have been canceled and the release of their new album has been postponed.

We wish Yauch a speedy and full recovery, and are still looking forward to the Hot Sauce Committee Part 1.

Yauch made the announcement on a video on the Beastie’s web site:

In other depressing news, Sony has already closed a deal to pony up an unheard of $50 million for the rights to make a feature film on Michael Jackson, according to Variety. The film will likely draw from 80 hours of footage recorded in Los Angeles of Jackson rehearsing for his London comeback shows. Kenny Ortega, the man who unleashed High School Musical on an unwitting and arguably innocent public, who shot the footage, is expected to direct.

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Tags: Adam Yauch, Beastie Boys, Kenny Ortega, Michael Jackson

Chartage: Jackson continues, Caillat bubbles back

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

Billboard is reporting that Michael Jackson’s posthumous rise on the charts is continuing: “Based on preliminary sales numbers from Nielsen SoundScan, Jackson’s catalog of solo albums sold a whopping 800,000 copies in the U.S.” in the week ending. July 5. “That’s an increase of 90 percent compared to the previous week, when his combined albums sold 422,000.”

Billboard said that Jackson is also dominating its Hot Digital Songs chart, claiming five out of ten slots. “Man in the Mirror” is his top selling download, but is being kept out of the number one slot by the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling.”

Colbie Caillat has also returned to Billboard’s charts. Her debut single “Falling For You,” from the forthcoming album “Breakthrough,” debuted at No. 12. “Falling For You” has also cracked the top 10 digital downloads, Calliat’s first reappearance on that chart since 2007’s “Bubbly.”

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Tags: Colbie Caillat, Michael Jackson

Jackson memorial in LA

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

In case you haven’t spent the entire day watching coverage of the Michael Jackson memorial service because, I don’t know, you have a job or something, you can read all about it in the New York Times here.

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Tags: Michael Jackson

Newsbits: Alice In Chains’ new album; Jackson albums back on top; Goodbye to Vibe

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Alice In Chains is releasing its first album in almost 14 years. “Black Gives Way To Blue” hits shelves Sept. 29, according to an article in Billboard. New singer/guitarist William DuVall fills in for original frontman Layne Staley, who died in 2002. The band will tour Europe in August and the U.S. in September, according to the article.

Speaking of Billboard, unsurprisingly, the King of Pop has once again crowned the charts, and he currently has the No. 1 digital album, The Essential Michael Jackson. Released in 2005, the 38-track retrospective covers much of his career.

Finally, Vibe magazine is reportedly closing. The New York Times reported June 30 that the publication, founded by Quincy Jones in 1992, was hit hard by a collapse in print advertising.

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Tags: Alice In Chains, Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones, Vibe

Twitter me this …

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

As an aside, I learned about Jackson’s death, like many, through Twitter, which was no doubt suffering from gossip overload. Maybe it’s the limited number of tweets I follow, but my twitter experienced ranged from witnessing the shocked:

1

To the bizarre:


2

To the down-right stupefying:

3

That, of course, was tweets from Barenaked Ladies’ Steven Page, Stephen Colbert, and, for some reason, what appears to be a giant comatose whale being carried by birds.

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Posted in Editorial | 2 Responses »
Tags: Michael Jackson, Steven Page

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