It wasn’t like that night three years ago in Tijuana that involved swallowing the tequila worm and the resulting three hours of hallucinatory debauchery, culminating in you purchasing a cock-fighting franchise.

No, this is different. Despite it being a beautiful Fall day, and though there’s no male prostitute named Pedro passed out in the shower (this time, thank God), things seem more ominous.

Then you remember: Yesterday was election day.

Oh, what terrible things befell the American public by its own hand? Shaking, you turn on the TV just in time to see the cheery, slightly bulbous form of Willard Scott give way to the local news, where a reporter informs you that Proposition 23, which amends the state constitution to allow the eating of kittens wrapped in a burned American flag, while at the same time banning marriage, hugs, high fives and eye contact between members of the same gender, passed 87% to 2%. Noooooo!

It’s going to be a long day.

Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat

1. “American Tune,” Paul Simon
“American Tune” was written in the wake of the reelection of Richard Nixon in 1972, though this could have easily been written in the wake of the reelection of George W. Bush in 2004. That’s politics for ya.

2. “I’m So Bored With The U.S.A.,” The Clash
You know what? Constitutional democracy was so 18th Century.

3. “Oil Man’s War,” Kathleen Edwards
I’m moving to Canada! No, I really mean it this time! Canadian singer-songwriter Kathleen Edwards said she’d give me a lift.

4. “Days Like This,” Van Morrison
OK, relax, mellow out, man. Your mama told you there’d be days like this, and the soulful feeling of this song will make it a little easier to swallow.

5. “Walk On,” U2
Don’t give up. Keep on trying, though it’s hard, though it might be the last thing you feel like doing. Walk on …

Top 5 songs for the aftermath of a soul-crushing political defeat

Top 5 songs for the late night, melancholy drive:

1. “Goodnight, California,” Kathleen Edwards
The real trick to this alt-rocker comes half way through at 3:06, when the actual singing stops, and the hypnosis begins.

2. “Overnight Drive (What Might Have Been),” *64
Made up of elements from Angry Salad, *64 continued the tradition of writing infectious pop/rock tunes. But “Overnight Drive” seems to perfectly encapsulate a feeling of loneliness that every touring musician must sometimes feel with simple but beautiful lyrics like, “A cigarette explodes on the highway in the dark.”

3. “One Headlight,” The Wallflowers; 4. “Can’t Run But,” Paul Simon
Both songs evoke a state of melancholly with a sense of urgency brought on by the songs’ tempos. For “One Healdlight,” it’s the droning guitar punctuated by bass and snare. In “Can’t Run But” you have Simon’s mello voice augmented by a near-frantic thumb piano.

5. “Wish You Were Here,” Pink Floyd
The fade-out at the end of this track makes you believe you could, at some point, simply run out of road and fade out among the stars.

Runners up: “Precious Things,” Tori Amos; “Dead Flowers (Live in Calgary),” Steve Earle (Rolling Stones cover);”Your Ex-Lover Is Dead,” Stars; “We Are Pilots,” Shiny Toy Guns; “Comfortably Numb,” Pink Floyd

Overnight Drive (What Might Have Been) (Sample download)

Top 5 songs for the late night, melancholy drive

Rolling Stone has listed what it claims are “The 100 Greatest Guitarists Of All Time.” Rather than come up with the definitive list, however, the article simply fans the flames of a long-running debate.

Many music critics would say that sound and inventiveness trumps technique and skill.  Serious musicians could counter that even if you stun listeners across the nation with your songs, it doesn’t mean your playing is any good, never mind sophisticated.

The RS list appears to lean toward the former argument. That’s fine, but in reading its list, one can’t help but feel mislead. If they called this list “100 Great Artists Whose Guitar Is Their Primary Instrument,” then, yeah, you could get behind that. But to give props to Soundgarden’s Kim Thayil because he used dropped-D tuning, but exclude technically superior musicians like Eric Johnson and Alex Lifeson … that just seems wrong.

One thing is for certain; Rolling Stone’s list leaves a lot of head-scratching.

Top 5 “what the hell were they thinking?!” moments on Rolling Stone’s 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time:

1. Eric Clapton

No. Sorry. He’s not the fourth greatest guitarist of all time. I’m not even sure if he’s the fortieth. Yes, he’s incredibly popular; yes, he’s been around for a bit; yes, he deserves a huge thanks for giving the blues a British renaissance; and yes, the baby boomers love him. But as my old guitar teacher once said, any kid on the street corner can play his licks. The pentatonic scale is just not that hard. If he’s “God,” then my dad’s God … and he’s not.

2. Kurt Cobain

Cobain helped to give the music industry an enema just when its hair band-impacted bowels needed it, and we’re all better off for that. But Cobain was not that great of a guitarist, he just wasn’t it. If you need to recognize a guitarist representing the early ’90s alternative/grunge music, why not Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready?

3. Johnny Ramone

Punk is a good and almost necessary form of music. But its very nature shuns the technical know-how of its contemporaries such as prog-rock. The Ramones is New York punk through and through, but you didn’t go to CBGB to hear an exercise on symmetrical augmented scales.

4. Keith Richards

One of the most overrated guitarists from the world’s biggest overrated band. The Rolling Stones did not do much to innovate. They came along at the right time, tweaking the Beatles sound with a bit more sex and drugs, and most of them had the good fortune to stick together and not die. Richards is a decent guitarist, but he’s not one of the all-time greatest.

5. Neil Young

As a singer-song writer, he’s fine. But like Cobain, he’s simply not that great of a guitarist. If you want to talk musicianship with a flair for songwriting, give me Paul Simon any day of the week.

Runners up: George Harrison (#21); The Edge (#24); Ron Asheton (#29); Tom Morello (#26); John Fogerty (#40); Clarence White (#41); Joni Mitchell (#72); Joan Jett (#87).

Well, the dog days of summer are officially here. Eggs are frying on the sidewalks, smog is being inhaled with great enthusiasm by the tourists atop Cadillac Mountain, and constant humidity has rendered our brains into a silly, putty-like substance. So cool off with the final entry of Duets Week:

1. “California Stars,” Billy Bragg and Wilco
Pared-down, wistful, yet chipper, this song is worth getting stuck in your head.

2. “Under Pressure” Queen and David Bowie
Recorded almost on a whim, Queen’s only collaboration before Freddie Mercury’s death hits all the right notes.
Vanilla Ice be damned.

3. “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan
Just pretend we aren’t on the cusp of August. This standard has been done by many a duo – Ray Charles/Betty Carter’s 1962 collaboration comes to mind, as does, for some reason, a performance by David “Buster Poindexter” Johansen and Sigorney Weaver on Saturday Night Live in 1986. But no one does it like Ella.

4. “Homeless”/”Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes,” Paul Simon and Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Paul Simon’s “Graceland” album is perhaps the greatest ambassador of world music to a mainstream audience. These two songs, recorded with South African a cappella group Ladysmith Black Mambazo, are beautiful enough to give you goosebumps on even the hottest summer days.

5. “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough,” Patty Smyth & Don Henley
I can only assume that Henley was performing an act of contrition for his time with the Eagles when he joined Smyth for this tender, remorseful ballad.

Top 5 (More) Duets

Runners up: “You Don’t Know Me,” Ben Folds and Regina Spektor; “Have A Cigar,” Foo Fighters and Brian May; others too numerous to mention. What duets do-it for you?

That said, we’re having an Irish wake of sorts for out old pal, Kodachrome, a Kodak film immortalized by Paul Simon.  Kodak announced on June 22 that is taking our Kodachrome away, and is retiring the company’s standard bearer of color film.

To mark this event, theFiver presents:

Top 5 Tunes About Photos & Photography

1. “Kodachrome,” Paul Simon

Off the album, “There Goes Rhymin’ Simon,” although “Rhyming” and “Simon” do not, technically, rhyme. Useless trivia: Kodak, the makers of Kodachrome film, required the album to note that Kodachrome is a registered trademark. So now, who knows if they still require a little ™ next to the track listing? Simon also plugs Nikon in his song about time and memories, although any photographer worth his salt ought to be shooting with Canon using Fuji film (we recommend a low ISO of 100).

2. “Pictures Of You,” The Cure

Despite its use by HP to hock inkjet printers, this is still a lovely, lovely song.

3. “Photograph,” Def Leppard

My own personal read into the subtext: Photos are great because they don’t get offended when you leer at them.

4. “Take A Picture,” Filter

I guess it’s a song about photography, but the only lyrics I can understand are “you wanna take my picture, ’cause I woan ream (inaudible).”

5. “Bad Day,” REM

Personal note – I was a photographer for a small newspaper for a few years, and every time I had to shoot an accident, a fire, a perp walk, I always thought of the chorus: “It’s been a bad day, please don’t take my picture.”

Top 5 Tunes About Photography

Runners up: Camera Eye, Rush; Pictures of Lily, The Who; Camera, REM; Picture Book, The Kinks. So what 5 tunes make you wanna say “cheese”?

1. “American Pie” Don McLean
Coming in at eight minutes and thirty-six seconds, and with a decent narrative to boot, “American Pie” should keep your mind occupied while giving you plenty of time to finish your business.

2. “Slip-Sliding Away” Aqualung (Paul Simon cover)
Enough said.

3. “Orinoco Flow” Enya
ibid

4. “Low Rider” War
War’s ode to cruising gives you a feeling of momentum without feeling rushed. Ask your doctor if “Low Rider” is right for you.

5. “Moby Dick” Led Zeppelin
At what point do you leave the pavilion to use the porta potty? That’s right – during the drum solo.

Top 5 songs to play when you know youre going to be on the potty for a LOOOOOONG time.