Let’s face it. Everyone is bound to disappoint you at some point. No one is perfect. For example, I have forgotten my mother’s birthday every year for about 20 years in a row. I’m at the point where, whenever I talk to her, I wish her a happy birthday just in case.
But some musical sins are so egregious that they’re unforgivable. I’m not talking about the latest crap from Black Eyed Peas – you’ve come to expect that, for every “Where Is The Love,” they’re going to release a musical black hole like “My Humps.” And I’m not talking about some lackluster effort like “Congratulations I’m Sorry,” the Gin Blossoms sophomore effort which seemed to prove that “New Miserable Experience” was a one-off.
I’m talking about artists with staying power who, for reasons unknown, vomit forth a single so bad it causes one to wonder whether Satan himself was behind the mixing board. So it is with great trepidation that theFiver presents:
Top 5 mortal sins committed by artists who should know better
1. “Silly Love Songs,” Paul McCartney and Wings
Paul, what the hell were you thinking? I know it was the ‘70s, man, but Christ-in-a-sidecar this song’s chorus sucks out loud. I’d expect this sort of thing from the Bee Gees, Sir Paul, but not from you.
2. “Bennie And The Jets,” Elton John
Sir Elton, you and Mr. Taupin would be flogged if this single were released in the middle ages. You give a bad name to stutterers and to those who sing falsetto.
3. “We Are The World,” U.S.A. for Africa
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, my friends. Endlessly repetitive and self-indulgent, some critics compared the title track to “We Are The World” to a Pepsi commercial. There’s no arguing with the song’s success insofar as sales were concerned, and it’s amazing that so many famous people could get crammed into the same studio (despite Waylon Jennings allegedly leaving because he wouldn’t sing in Swahili). Although millions of dollars were raised, caring for Africa seems to be a bit of a one-hit wonder. Despite subsequence attempts by Bono, Bob Geldoff and One.org, the industry has largely forgotten about Sudan, Somalia, Nigeria, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Uganda, Tunisia … need I go on?
4. “American Life,” Madonna
Madonna had not been socially relevant for years when 2003’s “American Life,” the album and single of the same name, were released. Yet, she still managed to boggle the mind by attempting to rap, violating several musical rules: #1: If you’re Madonna, you don’t rap. #2: If you do rap, you don’t rap about palates. You just … you just don’t.
5. “Miss You,” The Rolling Stones
A lot of rock bands tried to capitalize on the disco/funk sound of the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, often with disastrous results. Kiss tried it with the vomit-inducing “I Was Made For Loving You.” Queen still sounded British and white on their album “Hot Space,” half of which is devoted to funk. But The Rolling Stones’ “Miss You” takes the taco on this one, narrowly beating out “Hot Stuff,” another Stones number. There’s a reason disco died. A damn good one.
Top 5 mortal sins committed by artists who should know better
