The Police

Top 5 artists everyone likes but me

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Read Slate Magazine's "The Awfulness of Billy Joel Explained"

My ex used to accuse me of disliking Harry Potter just because it was popular. I find this argument flawed on two levels:

1: I like a lot of things that are popular. Coke is arguably the nation’s best-selling beverage, and I drink a lot of it. On a recent trip to McDonald’s (the nation’s number-one artery-clogger), I purchased a Coke the size of my head.

2: Harry Potter is dumb. Nevertheless, that broom-riding feeb attained a popularity that was unrivaled until the advent of the infinitely worse Twilight “saga.”

My point is that there are certain aspects to popular culture that are near-universally loved, yet I’m bewildered by why they’re so revered.

I just don’t get it.

Top 5 artists everyone likes but me

1. Billy Joel
Yes, he is a piano man, but I wouldn’t call him the piano man. Why don’t I like him? Is it his relentless teasing of stutterers (“Movin’ Out”)? Is it that he composed the whitest gospel song of all time (“River of Dreams”)? Is it that he exemplifies everything self-serving and egomaniacal about the Baby Boomers (“We Didn’t Start The Fire”)?

Yes.

2. The Police/Sting
Why is it Michael McDonald gets criticized (rightly) for having a voice akin to a German Shepherd in heat, yet we give Sting a pass?

3. Steely Dan
Speaking of McDonald, I think he forever tainted my view of Steely Dan, which is often revered as one of the most successful groups to fuse jazz and pop. I call it “pazz.”

4. Chicago
I can deal with horns – often they’re quite enjoyable. I also enjoy Saturdays. Parks are nice too. But I don’t like the combination of all three, even less when they occur on Independence Day. Plus, Peter Cetera.

5. Journey
The continued popularity of Journey makes me wonder if humanity is a species worth saving.

Posted in Top 5 | 7 Responses »
Tags: Billy Joel, Chicago, Journey, Michael McDonald, Steely Dan, Sting, The Police

Top 5 incomprehensible songs that aren’t performed by Bob Dylan

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Not too long ago, we paid tribute to some of the lesser-known misheard lyrics. And while you could have an entire blog based on misinterpreting “excuse me while I kiss the sky” as “pardon me, but that gentleman requires me to press my lips upon his,” there are some artists who have made their fortunes thanks to or in spite of lyrics that are partly to severely incomprehensible.

1. “Orinoco Flow,” Enya
New Age founding mother Enya has built her career on trippy/haunting Celtic music in which she uses a lot of overdubbing and reverb. And while some of her other works are more muddled (“Caribbean Blue,” for example), nothing is more fun to try to sing along to than her seminal “Orinoco Flow.”

I can decipher some words. I think there’s a Bob Dickens in there somewhere, whoever he is. During the bridge, she appears to pay tribute to Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Brent Spiner when she repeats, “Data! Data!” Then there’s the cryptic lyric, “Touch Bellini in Tahiti on the Island of Vermouth.” Other times, I think she’s just doing some kind of Irish scatting.

2. “Yellow Ledbetter,” Pearl Jam
I find this song incredibly powerful and sad. This, despite the fact that I can’t understand one single word of what Eddie Vedder’s saying. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

3. “Brand New Day,” Sting
Whether he’s with The Police or going solo, there’s one thing you can count on: Sting always sings as if part of him got caught in his fly.

4. “Paranoid,” Black Sabbath
Before Ozzy Osbourne made a second career out of slurring heartfelt fatherly advice, he was equally incomprehensible as the prince of darkness.

5. “Fairytale of New York,” Kirsty MacColl & The Pogues
Again with the Irish! I know there are any number of songs by The Pogues that are made incomprehensible thanks to Shane MacGown’s growling, slurring vocals. But the ballad-ish nature of “Fairytale of New York” only seems to underscore the point when juxtaposed with Kirsty MacColl.